Wednesday, June 29, 2005

“Got 13 Channels of Shit on the T.V. to Choose From”

Edited: May 2011
Apart from the news (actually, even the news is shit these days) and sport, there’s little on television that is not an insult to intelligence. So here’s my own compilation of what’s worth watching these days…

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
A show that demonstrates how the ridiculous thrive in our very attention deficit society and politics. Stewart and his cronies are brilliant, and approach the world with a vicious yet sophisticated mind. It's amazing that a comedian has become the most trusted man in news, a post the late great Walter Cronkite used to hold.

South Park:
These guys keep getting better and better every week. Satire at it's best.

The Simpsons:
Everyone’s familiar with America’s favourite dysfunctional family…

Whose Line Is It Anyway?:
Although these days we only get to watch re-runs of the American version of the show, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Wayne Brady are still as hilarious as ever.

Boston Legal:
A daring show that satirizes some of the most pressing social issues of our time with courtroom antics. Fantastic performances by William Shatner, James Spader, and the rest of the cast.

Top Gear:
Hardly a pragmatic show about cars anymore. It's more like playtime for three middle aged Englishmen being racist, angry, loud, obnoxious, adventurous, and very, very fast. My dream job.

Off the top of my head I can’t think of anything else that I can safely watch without Quincy the iguana throwing up over the sofa.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The Adventures of Glufsvon Zanzibar

After I started visualizing my International Relations professor feeding alligators in a white and scarlet toga, I knew I had had too much to drink. Picking up another vegetable egg roll that we had stolen from the dining hall I tried to tune in on what my roommate James Head, a Connecticut Yankee, was saying across the coffee table we were drinking at. It was something about a man called Glufsvon Zanzibar he had met in Paris a couple of years ago. Apparently this Mr. Zanzibar ran a kenjitsu (samurai sword techniques) school in Paris and believed in the recreational and medicinal qualities of hemp. Of all the places in Paris, James met Glufsvon, who according to James looked like a pirate in his twenties, on the second floor of the Eiffel Tower. Tracking the wafting fragrance of marijuana led James to his first meeting with Glufsvon who, leaning against the railings, was sharing a spliff with a certain gentleman who introduced himself as Ntokozo Xaba (pronounced: Toe-ko-zo Chka-aba). According to James, this Glufsvon Zanzibar was the most wholly remarkable person he had ever met. Of course, I only half believed what James said. After all, it was James who had come up the idea of assassinating Salman Rushdie when he had come to speak in college and picking up the bounty he had on his head. It was all too late when we realized that the fatwa on Mr. Rushdie’s head had long been removed. (Note: If you’re interested or know anyone who might be interested in buying a second hand Remington 700 sniper rifle in mint condition, give me a call.)

I’m writing this on the airplane back from Addis Ababa trying to distract myself from the air hostess with sweaty armpits. The last twenty days have been absolutely brilliant. The most fun I’ve had in a long time. I had landed a voluntary research internship at the University of Addis Ababa with a professor of anthropology and once that was over I managed short trips to Egypt and Tanzania to meet a couple of my friends from college who live there. What happened in Cairo was perhaps one of the funniest and most uncanny experiences of my life…

After two weeks of traversing through disease ridden backward Ethiopia and Tanzania, I decided to visit my friend Ngoda in Cairo and spend a week relaxing before flying back home. If you’ve been to Cairo recently you’ll remember that there’s an oasis not far from the pyramids of Giza. Twenty minutes as the camel runs, it’s usually a fairly desolate place, perfect for hanging out on a lazy Sunday evening. Ngoda and I reached the Oasis at six in the evening, just in time to watch the sun set over the dunes. There weren’t many people at the oasis, so Ngoda and I popped open a couple of chilled beers we had brought along and spread ourselves on the sand enjoying the sweet evening air. As I was getting bored with the scenery, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulders. I turned to see a smiling shabby face of bearded Arab. In perfect English he asked me if I had a light. I threw him a box of matches and watched him as he walked back to his friends under a clump of date trees. Catching my eye, the fellow walked back to us and asked us if we wanted to join them.

The next thing I know, Ngoda and I are sitting in a circle drinking thick Turkish coffee (note: never, ever add camel’s milk to coffee) with three other Arabs smoking a hookah and laughing at the stories they were telling us. I was relieved to find that they all spoke English quite fluently. Ngoda and I swapped a few of our own escapades in return. When the first Arab found out that Ngoda was a local kid, he lowered his tone to a whisper and asked him if he wanted to buy a camel real cheap and he whistled and a beautiful camel came and sat on its knees next to him. Ngoda, who I’m guessing knew his camels, asked him how much he was selling her for. I couldn’t quite catch what his reply was, but whatever it was made Ngoda laugh out like crazy. At first I thought it was the effect of the alcohol, but the Arab looked extremely serious.
“How’re you selling her so cheap?” Ngoda asked.
Flushing with a mixture of pride and alcohol the Arab whispered, “It’s stolen. I’m a camel smuggler, it’s what I do. And she’s a fine one as my name is Glufsvon Zanzibar.”
I was stunned. Like a scratched CD I kept muttering “No way”, for the next minute much to the surprise of our other companions.
I quickly narrated James’ story and Glufsvon’s eyes grew in wonder. I don’t know if he actually remembered James, but at least he pretended to. And I have to agree with James, Glufsvon is definitely the most wholly remarkable man I’ve ever met. Kenjitsu sensei, camel smuggler, tour guide, pearl diver, fragrance explorer and come to think of it, he did look like a pirate, minus the polly and the scimitar! The rest of the evenings events are irrelevant but oh so interesting. Even as I’m about to land in Bombay, I’m still in shock. I mean what are the odds that two people from two different parts of the world will meet the same person in two different countries in completely uncanny circumstances? Suddenly the universe seems so simple.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Ways Of Will

I was born in the hot and humid slums of lower Limpopo. Although we spent all day working hard producing our primary export of sweat, Limpopo had failed to make a mark in the international economic scene. Limpopons, however, are always jovial and the poverty of the nation never seemed to bog down their spirit. What we lacked in formal education we made up with innovativeness. In fact, it was this innovativeness that would make Limpopo a global player in the 20th century.

Between 1912 and 1916, while the rest of the world was busy in their petty squabbles, Limpopo was researching some of the most advanced technology known to man - jugaad. So powerful was this new technology that anyone remotely accustomed with its finer aspects could escape from any adverse situation and with a little training could probably turn it to his own advantage. In fact, till 1924 jugaad was considered and protected as a national secret.

In the early 1940s Limpopo decided to start exporting this unique technology and by 1947, jugaad had replaced sweat as Limpopo’s primary export. By 1958 jugaad had taken the world by storm as it was cheaper and better than Chinese imports like the yin-yang, which have a high exchange duty in many parts of the world. In this manner Limpopo grew as an international powerhouse in the 1960s.

The United States, who often forget that a world exists outside North America, had not yet warmed up to jugaad. It was only in the 1990s that the US actually discovered the unique properties of jugaad. Immediately they tried to patent it and threatened to sue Limpopo for stealing their idea.

The Taliban on the other hand decided to rise against this act of American oppression and decided to launch an attack on the US in the middle of a Dallas Cowboys and Florida Dolphins football game. A rattled President Bush spilled his pretzels and ordered the CIA to deal with the matter. The CIA happily obliged by vaporizing the entire country and also capturing a few tons of weapons grade plutonium from a goatherd in Northern Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the plutonium had become unstable and exploded somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic while it was being transported to the US. In a brilliant move Bush accused Green Peace for the mishap and managed to get re-elected marking one of the greatest triumphs of jugaad.

The latest issue of Limpopo Today voted jugaad to be one of the “Top 5 Things the World Can’t Do Without” along with toilet paper and Mexican yo-yos (aren’t those awesome?). The Forbes magazine rated jugaad as the “greatest invention ever”. At the present more than half the world unconsciously runs on jugaad, including the Indian and the US governments. Today Limpopo has a lot to be proud about.

So the next time you use cog-chits to pass a test, or the next time the government cheats you, or you cheat the government, or if you ever do anything as smart as using a broken umbrella as a TV antenna, think of jugaad : Limpopo’s greatest contribution to the civilized world.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Chinese Shower Cabinets

Dad finally got his "O.K. Tested" label on his insanity claim.

I was awakening from my siesta when dad walked in and said "Guess what I bought today?"

"What?" I ask.

"A shower cabinet."

"Ho hum, one of those ones eh? How much did it cost?"

"*insert exorbitant amount of money here*, I'm too embarrased to specify"

I choke on my own spit for a moment. "What the...Is it made of gold or something?"

"No it's really nice, it's got a sauna, steam bath, zaccuzi, radio and even a telephone."

"A sauna, in summer, in Calcutta." I went back to sleep, hoping it was all a bad dream, but deep inside I understood why dad said he could not afford to send me to college...

There goes the excuse, "sorry he can't come to the phone right now, he's in the shower" because now there's a freakin phone in the shower!

Puzzles

Just in case,
If you're the queen of California, baby,
LittlePrince, wat a nite,
Screw aristophanes.

What's there to do in Champaign?
Smoke pot, listen to floyd and phish,
They say if you love something let it go...
If it comes back it's yous...if it doesn't...shoot it!

Tu Me Queries,
Planning to take the world by storm, watch out!
Anger is a gift,
Because i am a devil without a cause.

Franky just thinks he's Irish,
God...I love you
Israfel is gone,
*insert wise crack here*.

La belle dame sams merci,
Life is a waste of time,
Only fools rush in... sigh,
So, it's over?

I have a black-hole where my creativity should be,
Some people say I'm insane, so I kill them.
Still goin on...and will never stop,
Tally ho what, what?

The world is a blister but i'm ok with it.
All my bags are packed,
I'm ready to go,
Time to fade in black.