Shenanigans at the Office

This is a list of the pranks we've played on our co-workers at the office... in semi chronological order. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few... Remind me if I've missed anything.

1. Changing the auto-correct on Microsoft Outlook

Victim: Pragyan and the CJ

Perps: CJ then Shravan

One afternoon, Pragyan let his guard down and left his computer unlocked. CJ jumped at this opportunity, opened Pragyan's Outlook auto-correct function and changed words like "Pragyan", "Energy", "Prices", "The", "Power", "Thanks", his bosses names, etc to "NEPAL".

When Prag came back and started to write an email he was stunned to see that everything he was typing was changing to "NEPAL". Eventually he figured out what was done and painstakingly fixed the changes.

A week later, CJ left his computer unlocked and Shravan jumped in and changed his bosses name to Anant "Disaster" and Judah "Big Boi" and changed keywords like "Gas" to "Disaster". Unfortunately CJ didn't notice the changes in his haste and sent out an email that read "disaster prices are expected to stay flat in the future"... it was only a week later that he realized that he had sent this email out to everyone in the office!

It was then decided that perhaps this was too disastrous of a prank and auto correct pranks were abolished.

2. The Shravan-Pavlov Experiment

Victim: Shravan (intended)

Perp: CJ & Achal (as co-conspirator)

One of our less successful pranks. CJ wanted to try the Pavlov's dog experiment on Shravan. Everytime Achal's phone would ring, CJ would offer Shravan (who sat across his cubicle) a piece of candy, hoping that eventually, with conditioning Shravan would automatically ask for candy each time Achal's phone rang. Unfortunately, Shravan decided he didn't like candy anymore, so CJ switched to cheese puffs (who doesn't like cheese puffs). This went on for a couple of weeks, but with the lack of results, the experiment was prematurely abandoned and labeled a failure.

3. The Mouse in the Jello

Victim: Maity (but switched with Patrick to trap the perp.); later Isak and Pragyan

Perp: CJ

I came in to work one day and noticed that my mouse had been encased in jello... an old office classic. I had an inkling of who was responsible, but to flush out the perpetrator, I switched the encased mouse with Patrick's and pretended that the prank was played on him. CJ's surprise and later after a conniving interrogation over lunch at Amma's CJ implicated himself as the criminal.

It didn't end there. After the mouse was rescued from the jello, even tho

ugh it was wrapped in Saran Wrap, it was unusable since the jello had seeped in. After cleaning the mouse, it looked normal and we replaced Isak's mouse with this defunct mouse. Isak, of course, did what we expected and stole Pragyan's mouse. An hour later, in his frustration, Pragyan sends out an angry email to everyone demanding the return of his stolen mouse!

4. The Inverted Cup

Victim: almost everyone

Perp: almost everyone

Old school prank. Filling up a glass of water to the brim, covering it with a card, inverting it and sliding it over the desk leaves an inverted cup of water on your desk. Those unfamiliar with it had a few "accidents" at their desk. Eventually, people wizened up. The next phase was played on Ankit. Thirteen inverted cups were left on his desk, only three with water in them!

5. Windings on Excel

Victim: Achal

Perp: CJ

Once again, a computer was left unlocked and CJ jumped at the chance. He went into Achal's Excel and set up a small macro that converted everything he typed into windings. It was set to run automatically every time a new Excel sheet was opened. Achal was working from home the next day and he had no idea how to fix it. He didn't get much done that day and needless to say he wasn't pleased with CJ.

6. It Snowed Indoors

Victim: CJ

Perp: Maribeth and Achal (I think)

Again, old school. CJ's desk was essentially TPd!

7. The Overturned Desk

Victim: Achal

Perp: CJ

Another classic. Everything on Achal's desk was turned upside down. His computer, the maps on his wall, his desk, his name tag, everything.

8. Variations on a Theme (of the Overturned Desk)

Victim: Achal and Pragyan

Perp: CJ

This one took a bit of work. Achal and Pragyan's desks were completely switched. Everything was moved. It took them both a while to figure out that they were not sitting at their desks! The execution was quite brilliant!

9. The Taming of Ankit

Victim: Ankit

Perp: EVERYONE!

Probably the most well executed and definitely the longest con at the office.

While CJ was away on vacation, Ankit, who was new at the office and not yet initiated in our ways, innocently inquired why CJ had not been showing up to work. This was easy prey we thought, and our eyes gleamed at the prospect that lay before us. We told Ankit that CJ had gone for his wedding and his subsequent honeymoon and that he would be back at the end of the week. Like a well-oiled machine, everyone picked up on this thread. Emails started shooting back and forth. Reduced photographs of other people's (Nishit's) wedding photographs were passed off as CJ's (since all brown people look alike, Ankit didn't notice the difference). I think CJ's wife's name was Mina or such. We decided that we must buy a gift for the newly weds and we decided that we all would contribute $50 towards it. Achal agreed to be the point man on this and collect the cash and buy something nice for the couple. In the meantime, I messaged CJ, alerting him that for all intensive purposes he was now married to someone called Mina. The next day Ankit handed Achal a check for $50 which was quickly cashed.

At the end of the week, CJ returned and we all congratulated him within earshot. At the happy hour that week and CJ and I waited in line for food, Ankit walked up to CJ and wearing a jovial smile, congratulated him on his nuptials and wished him the best. CJ, of course, graciously accepted. That evening we sat around and thought on how we ought to end the prank. We went up to Ankit's desk and picked out his prized autographed book of music, wrapped it up and put it in a fancy box and waited. The next day, before lunch, we called Ankit over and asked him to give it to CJ since he was the youngest. With all of us as witnesses, Ankit, handed CJ the box. CJ opened and box and lo it was a book. Ankit exclaims, "dude I have the exact same book, except mine is autographed". CJ flips to the first few pages and says, "yeah dude, so is mine". Slowly it dawned upon Ankit that he had been played, because by this time no one could hold in their giggles...

I think we've destroyed Ankit's innocence. Never again will he trust.

10. The Hanging Effigy

Victim: Achal

Perp: CJ and Maity

A little on the darker side... CJ and I went to a thrift store next to Korean Deli and found this wonderful teddy bear and rocking chair set for $5. You never know when such things might come in handy, so we bought it, along with a candle holder for an extra 50 cents.
Back at the office, we had Dave, Achal's manager, call him away on the pretense of some work, and CJ and I got to work. We printed a photograph of Achal's face, taped it over the teddy's face, taped a small empty bottle of tequila to one hand and hung him from the rafters using the mouse cable with a suicide note left on the rocking chair and a candle burning (see pictures).
Achal returned to his desk, saw the shenanigans, stopped, said "I'll laugh at this later, right now I have work to do!"... [It wasn't actual work, Dave had just made up something so he would be away from his desk for us to set it up]. The bear was left behind as Achal's legacy at ICF.

11. The Other Keyboard

Victim: CJ

Perp: Shravan and Isak

(write-up coming up from Shravan)

12. The Thrashing of Pragyan (Variation on a Theme)

Victim: Pragyan

Perp: Achal and Shravan

Achal and Shravan completely thrashed Pragyan's desk, with keyboard, mouse, monitor, docking station taken apart, confetti and wrappers lying all over... it looked like a hobo's joint. It was just plain mean.

13. Not a Green Prank

Victim: Pragyan

Perp: Shravan (he claims it's not him)

Shravan took Pragyan's car keys and left his car on in the garage.

14. The Stapled Cups

Victim: Isak

Perp: CJ and Maity

A semi-failed prank. We took a host of cups (thirty odd) and stapled them together, placed them on Isak's desk and filled them up with water. Due to our shoddy stapling job Isak was able to tackle the problem easily but the idea was quite good.

15. The Blockade

Victim: Andrew

Perp: Patrick and Maity

We surrounded Andrew's desk with a wall of used coffee cups. I think Andrew came in, saw what was done and went home as he was want to do.

16. Nepal vs. India - The Ambush

Victim: Pragyan

Perp: Achal, Shravan, CJ, Maity (video by Isak)

17. The Voice in the Computer

Victim: Jesse

Perp: CJ, Achal, Maity

This one was never going to work, but it was a lot of fun making.
Stage 1: Borrow Achal's Blackberry and record me screaming "You, you there at the computer, help me! Get me out of here! Call 911!"
Stage 2: Set that as the ring-tone on Achal's phone.
Stage 3: Place the phone inside the common Bloomberg machine.
Stage 4: Wait.
Jesse walked into the office and sat at the Bloomberg machine and started working in earnest. Then CJ and called Achal's phone and Jesse was so surprised! First he thought that we had run a program in the computer. Then he thought it was a clip. For the longest time he couldn't figure out what was going on. The rest of us pretended that we couldn't hear anything!
It was great!

18. The Old Switcheroo
Victim: Patrick and Ankit
Perp: Laura and CJ
Changed the automatic language option on Patrick's computer to German and Ankit's iPod to Mandarin.

19. "Hi, I'm Mark"
Victim: Mark
Perp: Mainly Achal
Posters of MPurser were left all over the office.


20. Sleight of Hand/Bait and Switch
Vicitm: Mainly Pragyan
Perp: Achal and CJ
I'm not sure what this one was about... Anybody remember what was done?


21. One Cup to Spill Them All
Victim: Shravan
Perp: CJ (?)
A stack of paper cups with water in one of them were left on Shravan's desk.

22. Tape the Speaker, Hide the Earpiece
Victim: Shravan
Perp: CJ
CJ taped over the mouth piece on Shravan's phone and people on the other line couldn't hear what he was saying.

23. Taping of the Phone (Redux)
Victim: Isak
Perp: CJ
CJ quite meticulously taped up Isak's phone with tape.  I'm sure Isak's retribution is not far away.









24. The Gift of CJ
Victim: CJ
Perp: Isak

While CJ was away on vacation with his family in their exclusive Hamptons chalet.  Isak used CJ's gift paper (Disney's "Little Mermaid" - his favorite) and wrapped his computer, telephone, chair and other objects on his desk.  Quite the novelty.  The note on the right is a reference to the prank that Isak and Shravan played on CJ earlier in the year (see:  11. "The Other Keyboard").


25. Farewell Wrap
Victim: Trevor
Perps: Maribeth (with Nicole as cohort)
Serane wrap around Tevor's Scion.   See photographic evidence!

"Carolineeee, You Danceee" or The Great American Road Trip Part 1

The People: Jenny, Michelle, Matt, and Maity

The Car: 2001 Lexus CS 300

The Trip: Washington DC to Malibu, CA

The Distance: ~3600 miles

The Duration: 10 Days (28 May - 6 June)

The day before departure, I had a peculiar sense of foreboding, like this trip would be star-crossed for some reason.  The signs were ubiquitous.  Matt's stomach was in ruins.  Jenny's trip from NYC to Washington DC on the eve of our journey was marred by the towing of her car and a traffic ticket; and, of course, the pleasant city traffic of New York meant that by the time she reached DC on Thursday night, she was haggard and had sacrificed dropping in on the Amish of Pennsylvania. Michelle, who was supposed to bus in late evening on Friday, suffered the curse of banking and stayed in to finish banking stuff till 3 in the morning, missed her bus, bought an expensive train ticket for 5 in the morning, missed that train, and finally embarked on a 6.30 train for DC.  While Michelle's delay was a blessing in subtle disguise - we got to drink beers, sleep in late and play Settlers of Catan into the night - I was worried about the inauspicious beginning to our trip.  A fear that, and I thank the Gods here, turned out to be quite unnecessary.

Day 1
So, on Friday the 28th, after stocking up on snacks and stories, we picked up Michelle and her massive sleeping bag from the metro and started our 3600 mile journey to The Pacific.  Day One aim was to get as close to New Orleans as possible.  We headed west on the dreaded I-66, the scourge of all interstates, and then headed south on I-81, passing through Virginia, the tornado ravaged lands of West Virginia, and finally Tennessee, where we stopped for a bite in the university town of Knoxville.

Knoxville was surprising.  It was hip.  Something I did not associate with the South.  Perhaps because it's an university town that it felt like it was really hip and youthful.  Perhaps we only saw that part of the city.  We walked through the central plaza, almost an European type piazza with fountains and Frisbees.  We walked through a rather curious sculpture garden where we got our first taste of Southern modern art.  We made it a game of guessing the prices of some of the works.  Dinner was at an upscale joint on the corner of the piazza.  I had a Atlanta brew called Deepwater 420, a really sweet and hoppy beer that felt like it was brewed with saltwater.  Matt had the most amazing bisque.  Jenny and I shared a rather interesting gourmet Mac'n'Cheese.

As we left Knoxville, we decided to drive for a couple of hours and get as close to New Orleans as possible, which was still about 500 miles away.  We decided to stop at Chattanooga, TN a little border town by Alabama.  Unfortunately, the recent tornado and storm activity meant that all the motels and hotels around the Chattanooga and surrounding areas were filled to the brim with refugees from Georgia, and Alabama.  We had no choice but to continue driving down south.  We found a room in Gadsden, AL and with Matt at the wheel, we raced through the dark, straight, empty highways of Alabama to find beds for our tired souls.  By the time we hit the sack at the Best Western in Gadsden, it was about 1 in the morning, and we had covered about 700 miles after almost 11 hours of driving through five states.  This was also the start of our rather unhealthy obsession with Best Westerns - the Largest Hotel Chain in the World.  That night we simply collapsed.

Day 2
Early Saturday morning, after a complimentary breakfast courtesy of BWH, we set out for New Orleans via Birmingham, the largest city in Alabama.   Birmingham in the 60s was one of the epicenters of the Civil Rights Movement and the city is littered with monuments and testimonies of the men, women, children, and events that led the fight for equality for all.  We drove into Birmingham on Sunday morning at ten and parked next to the civil rights museum where a large sign warned "No Panhandling".  Almost immediately, a ragged gentlemen stepped up to ask for some spare change.

Birmingham was a dead city on a Sunday morning.  Presumably, everyone was in church!  We walked around the city along the historical Civil Rights Walk, where the likes of MLK had raised a ruckus almost fifty years ago.  It was here that we encountered a small medical center - "Hugs n' Kisses - Alternative Care for the Mildly Ill Child".  After a quick loo break we left the eerie town and headed back on the road towards NO.  I encountered my first ever Cracker Barrel and Jenny and I were racked with curiosity.  Matt and Michele fed us, what we later learned, apocryphal stories of what exactly a Cracker Barrel is.  We were told of mysterious peg games, and exotic foods, but more on that later.

On-route, we stopped for lunch on the shores of Lake Tom Bailey in the state of Mississippi.  Apart from watching people fish and enjoying some fresh air, discussion of a potential two days stop at NO was brought up.  There was a movie shoot that was happening somewhere around NO, but to go there meant stopping at NO for an extra day.  This quickly became a contentious issue.

As we continued driving through the swamplands and mangroves leading to NO, we encountered the first signs of the consequences of Katrina and Rita, almost six years ago.  One of the long bridges controlling the ebb and flow of traffic into NO, lay in ruins...



(To be continued...)

Final Route*:
New York, NY -> Washington DC -> Knoxville, TN -> Chattanooga, TN -> Gadsden, AL -> Birmingham, AL -> New Orleans, LA -> Houston, TX -> Brenham, TX -> Austin, TX -> Carlsbad, NM -> Santa Fe, NM -> Grand Canyon, AZ -> Santa Monica, CA -> Malibu, CA -> Washington DC

*Places in bold are where we spent the night

The Office

Over the course of the last three years, the junior staff at the office have maintained a healthy level of insanity at the work place.  Besides the pranks, there have been several instances of un-professional behavior.  In no particular order, I present to you an ever growing list of workplace idiocy.  I'm sure I've missed a few... fill me in.

1. The 100 Cheesburger Poker Night

Five people.  Simple concept.

We drove to a McDonald's drive-thru after work.  Ordered, 5 Coke Zeros, 1 medium fries, and 100 $1 cheeseburgers.  After the recovery from the initial shock, the franchise gave us two huge boxes of 50 burgers (Later, upon counting, we realized that they had given us 106 burgers instead).  We took our burgers, went back to a conference room at the office.  Took out a deck of cards and played poker, using the burgers as chips.  After an arduous duel, I emerged victorious, winning a grand total of 83 burgers, the rest were eaten or given away.  Originally we had planned to give away the burgers to homeless people, but we got lazy and instead filled the kitchen fridge with them.  The next day we put up a notice saying FREE FRESH BURGERS.

2. Chair Racing
First instituted as a late night boredom reliever during the dark days of October 2010, for a while this became a dominant act for bragging rights to set fastest lap-times around the cubicles.  The leader board was kept on JK's desk as a reminder of who's top dog.  Over time, with JK's move to a different desk, the sport disappeared in to obscurity.

3. Russian Roulette
An aftermath of the "Assassination of Pragyan" prank.  Suddenly, Nerf guns. One of them the Maverick, a revolver type Nerf reminiscent of the Mel Gibson Western character.  Russian Roulette with Nerf Guns, simple enough idea, tons of fun.

4. The Rube Goldberg Machine
A testimony to the great times in Office 208.  An idea that led to one of the most fun things I've done since graduating college.  Props to Gilmartin.  


5. The GSE Index and the Great Crash

6. The Big Lebowski

7. Crotch-Crotch Ball

8. Fish Here, Fish Now

9. Vs. ICF06344

10. Ka-Me-Ha-Me-Haaaa

11. Halloween

12. Fogo De Chou

13. RPS Tourney

14. Baseket and Kricket

15. The Two Towers

16. Conquer Club

17. The Paper Throw League

18. The NC Fan Club

19. The Capacity Price is Right!

20. Improv Night

21. Vidz-Ball

The Great Depression

Another disappointing end to a promising season.  Another season racked with false hope.  Another season of crappy refereeing - please don't argue with me on this one.  Another season of squalid rumors about Wenger and Fabregas and Nasri and Co.  I don't particularly care that Arsenal hasn't won a trophy in six years.  What I care about is that they play good football.  Alas, of late, the team seems shaken with doubt and self belief - losing at home to Villa in a pathetic manner.  I want the team to stay together, I don't want anyone to go - ok, maybe Denilson.  Still, we have one of the sharpest strikers in the world, two visionary playmakers, a good man in goal, a vermin-exterminator on defense, and a warhorse in pits.  We can come back from this and we will, one day this walk of shame, will only be a distant memory.  Vive le Gunners.

John v. Fredrich (It's Goin' Down Yo)

Sometime ago, two people, an economics professor at Geroge Mason University, Russ Roberts and film-maker John Papola started a website called Econstories.tv to try raise awareness about the economic paradigm we live in and the policies our governments subscribe to.
Their first endeavor was a rap battle between two opposing stalwarts, John Maynard Keynes (father of Spending Theory) and F.A. Hayek (father of the Austrian perspective).



After the resounding success of the first video, they released a sequel recently:



Enjoy!

"The Three Musketeers" or Why the French Had a Weird Sense of Honor

"The Three Musketeers" by Alexandre Dumas... sorry I couldn't be bothered to put the acutes and obtuses in there. I don't know why I was so impressed by this book when I first read it. I guess it was the swashbuckling-sword-fighting-dash-and-romance that veiled me from the baser depravity in the novel.
CJ was reading it recently so I got into it as well. What on earth were they thinking? Everyone of the so called heroes, are, by today's standards at least, at best, morally depraved hooligans. First D'Artagnan starts a fight for no reason, seduces and steals away his landlord's wife, aids and abets in his queen's adulterous affair with the Duke of Buckingham, covers up royal scandals and commits treason by lying to his King - and he wants to be a musketeer, what a poofy joke.
And the Three Musketeers - well they weren't exactly model were they? Killing and pillaging as they pleased, no respect for the law - "ooh we're the King's men, you can't arrest us, nananana" - but a bunch of crock. Athos - now there's a sour cat - marries a woman, sees she's a criminal, thinks of beheading her but let's her go but FTW later kills her - I mean Dumas are you even reading your work - this is what happens when you serialize instead of writing in one sitting - you have no idea what you've done and what you're going to do.
The novel celebrates adultery, murder, treason, hooliganism, vandalism, lying, cheating and all the things that make an ideal candidate for a Fox News anchor. Why do we let children read this stuff?

Best Meals I've Ever Had: Part 1

I like food. I am not the most voracious or gastronomically gifted eater, but I like my food. It makes me happy... sometimes for several days after consumption. A happy meal doesn't always mean the food was very good, or expensive, or the occasion and pomp and circumstance, but always a culmination of all of these. And if you can escape post erratic bowels, then it is truly a meal worth remembering. Here are a few that I remember most fondly in recent years in no apparent order.

Don Jamie's, Adams Morgan, Washington DC

Sunday brunch, sometime in October 2010

Pragyan, Blair, Patrick, and I helped Patrick pack up all his worldly possessions into the back of a twelve foot Budget truck in the sweltering DC heat. As a reward Patrick bought us lunch at this shackish Mexican joint in Mt. Pleasant. We all had the Green Migas - scrambled eggs tossed with crushed tortilla chips and green spicy salsa served with curried potatoes. My mouth waters as I write this.

Cafe de Luxe, Tenley Town, Washington DC

Saturday Brunch, sometime in September 2010

Crab Cake Eggs Benedict on toasted sourdough bread topped with chopped home fries and thick bits of semi crispy bacon. Alex and I were supposed to go to a Thai place in Tenley Town for brunch, but we found this place en-route, and what a find it was. Simply delicious.

Nice Donner Kebab, Nice, France

Post swim lunch, sometime in August 2006

I actually have a photograph of this beach side shack and the scrumptious doner kebab sandwiches they have. Hann and I went swimming early in the morning, trying to shake off a terrible hangover from a night of heavy smoking and drinking with Tru, our French Canadian roommate at the hostel. I had returned to the hostel and retched so loudly and for so long that the landlady thought I had food poisoning and was about to call an ambulance. It was nothing serious... just a drop too much pastis. So after a dawn swim, with the sun and the moon both looming in the horizon on a completely deserted beach, we walked towards our hostel, tired and hungry when we returned to Nice Donner Kebab, a small Turkish run kebab joint. Pure bliss. The simple act of adding french fries into the donner wrap and toasting it - genius. We ate, saw a glimpse of heaven, said shukran and left.

Wok Your Way, Amsterdam, The Netherlands

Post coffee shop dinner, sometime in September 2010

After a day of walking, Van Gogh, and coffee shops, the one thing that could satiate a man properly was crispy noodles with beef in black bean sauce at Wok Your Way, the center of my world in Amsterdam. Han and I ate here, the same thing, for every dinner, for 4 days. I remember the first time I ate here, Hann and I didn't talk till we had devoured every last morsel on our plates and laid down our chopsticks of destruction. No Chinese food, eaten anywhere in the world, will ever come close to this experience.

Hasty Tasty, Safdarjung, New Delhi

Late night mutton momos, sometime in June 2007

Hotel President, Dehra Dun, India

A Form post ICSE lunch, sometime in April 2001

Chateau Nicolas Cage, EST. 1964

Welcome to the first installment of "The Fine Wines of Hollywood"

Today we bring you Chateau Nicolas Cage; makers of fine California Reds.

NC has consistently produced some of the best so-bad-it's-awesome wines. The pungency of NC's wines work on multiple levels. On the first swig you're hit with awful, but as you drink deep, you taste the myriad giddy flavors of mind-fuck with an after stink that possesses you and forces you to drink every NC wine, including *shudder* "G-Force".

Perhaps, this vineyard's finest production till date is 2010's "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" - light on the mind but very, very heavy on the soul. Although they did not hit the high arse-gravy standards of "TSA", there have been other equally unabashed, unappreciated gems such as 2008's "Bangkok Dangerous", and 2005's "National Treasure".

Of course, one of Chateau NC's crowning achievement was "Knowing" in 2009. When I first drank "Knowing", I thought to myself, "wait a minute, I've tasted this wine before!" - this is the same heart wrenching feeling I had drinking "Next" in 2007! Nick C is the only vinyard I know who's remade his own wine within a year of its release. First they made "Knowing", then they made "Next", or maybe it's the other way around, I can never tell.

2011 promises to be NC's finest vintage yet, although there are rumors of the vineyards impending financial difficulties. Us avid drinkers, who grew up on NC's spew from yesteryear are waiting with bated breath for the two most anticipated releases of the new year - the aptly named "The Season of the Witch", and "Drive Angry 3D" - which is essentially "Ghost Rider" with cars.

A word of caution - NC's wines will get you bat-shit drunk, and you'll love it!

"Udaan"

Great, great movie. Indian indie flicks' finest...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1639426/

I loved the poem in the opening:

"Chhoti-chhoti chhitrayi yaadein
Bichhi hui hain lamhon ki lawn par.
Nange pair unpar chalte-chalte
Itni door chale aaye
Ki ab bhool gaye hain –
Joote kahan utaare the.

Aedi komal thi, jab aaye the.
Thodi si naazuk hai abhi bhi.
Aur nazuk hi rahegi
In khatti-meethi yaadon ki shararat
Jab tak inhe gudgudati rahe.

Sach, bhool gaye hain
Ki joote kahan utaare the.
Par lagta hai,
Ab unki zaroorat nahin."

Maity's Poor Translation:

Bits and pieces of scattered memories
Are laid out on the lawns of moments.
Bare feet, we've walked on them
Today we've come so far,
We don't remember,
Where we took off our shoes.

When we first came, our heels were soft,
Even today they are a little soft
And they will remain soft
As long as our bittersweet memories
Tickle them mischievously.

True, we have forgotten,
Where we took off our shoes,
But, I feel now,
That we don't need them anymore.

This is The Dhali (Delhi) Part 1: “Thank you for flying Air-F**kin-India, Bitch!”

It all started with Jamshed, my rickshaw driver. That’s a lie. It started a while before that, but Jamshed played an integral role. Actually that’s a lie too. Jamshed had nothing to do with it. I don’t even know what “it” is. Whatever “it” is, Obama doesn’t get “it”, and neither do I. Okay, none of that made any sense. This is supposed to be the monumental story of my recent trip to India, and I’ve started it like a mummer’s farce.

It was supposed to be simple, land at Delhi, change a plane and fly to Kolkata (formerly and better-ly Calcutta), but no, Air India couldn’t keep things simple. That just wouldn’t be the Indian experience. You have to earn your satisfaction here.

To prohibit myself from reliving this horrible experience, I shall simply reprint the letter I wrote to Air India:

Dear Air India,
Although in all likelihood, you don’t care what your customers think of your service, I wish to lodge a complaint regarding the atrocious and inhuman treatment of Kolkata bound passengers on AI 102 from JFK to CCU via DEL on the 14th of November 2010 by the Air India airport staff at Indira Gandhi International Airport in Delhi. The PNR number of my ticket is JBVJ1.

When flight AI 102 landed at IGN Airport Terminal 3 at 4.45PM on the 15th of November 2010 after a 16 hour non-stop flight from New York, all Air India transfer passengers were made to go through another security check and moved to the international departure lounge. There was no information regarding AI 680 which was to take all Kolkata bound passengers from Delhi to Kolkata on the departure screens nor was there an Air India representative to shed light on the matter. Most passengers found out from the grapevine that AI 680 had been cancelled! No announcements were made or information posted on any screen. I was also told that these events are now frequent with Air India, and happen almost every week.

The information desk unsuccessfully spent two hours trying to get an Air India representative to come and provide us with more information, but no one came. Eventually, the passengers, 34 Kolkata bound, and 17 Chennai bound (whose flight had also been cancelled without notification), caught an arbitrary Air India employee to try and get more information. This Air India employee tried to escape the passengers but some of the passengers, including myself, doggedly followed him, till he eventually called out the Duty Manager claiming some passengers were harassing him. Finally, after three hours of waiting, at 8PM, the duty manager came and said that the flight was cancelled and that we would be given hotel accommodation for the night and put on the 7AM flight to Kolkata. He asked us to be patient till he organized everything. And what a fantastic job he did (I’m being sarcastic here in case you didn’t understand).

At 9PM, we were asked to go to the food court for dinner where we were served beggar’s ware of some watered down yellow daal, paneer, rice, and one roti from Curry Kitchen. I ate better food in boarding school. After feeding us this pathetic dinner we were made to wait another hour before being told to head down to immigration. At the immigration counters, the Duty Manager disappeared and left us in the hand of some Air India peon who had no idea what was going on and started a row with the immigration officers. The immigration officers wouldn’t let us go through and the peon was sent to find some qualified Air India personnel to explain the situation. Now we had 51 people, mostly elderly folk and families with little kids standing in the middle of the immigration section with nothing to do but get frustrated by the Air India’s apathy and lack of respect for their passengers.

Finally, after another hour of waiting, at 11PM, we passed through immigration, and picked up our baggage. Unfortunately, the baggage of one family was also lost. Some other Air India person with a mouthful of paan came and reassured us that everything was under control, and the coach to take us to the hotel was waiting outside. So we took our bags and went outside the airport but there was no coach, bus, or any other transport waiting for us. Then this Air India representative disappeared. An hour went by, and there was no sign of the bus or the Air India representative. Finally at 12.30AM, 8 hours after we landed in Delhi, two shabby coaches showed up and parked a hundred meters away from where we were waiting. We were instructed to go and load our baggage in the coaches and get in. The coaches were so small, that our entire luggage did not fit in the two coaches, and some people were left stranded behind while the first two coaches went off to the hotel. After a forty minute drive in the rickety bus, we arrived at an equally shabby hotel called City Mark somewhere in Gurgaon. This hotel didn’t even have rooms ready for us and asked us to wait while the rooms were being prepared. It was past 1 AM by now. After another twenty minutes, the manager informed us that there weren’t enough rooms in the hotel so he was sending some of us to another hotel a few minutes away. He promised us that this hotel would be equally shabby, if not worse. By the time we checked in and hauled our luggage to our room in this third class hotel called DDR Residency, it was almost 2 AM. That left us with little more than 1 hour to sleep because the bus to take us back to the airport was going to come at 4AM, so were to assemble in the lobby at 3.30AM. Apart from a couple of hours of sleep on the flight, the last time any of the passengers had slept was more than 24 hours ago.

After a relaxing stay of 1.5 hours in the hotel (FYI sarcasm again), where we found a used condom and a cockroach in the bathroom, we assembled downstairs to wait another hour for the coach to show up. Luckily all the folks at DDR Residency and their luggage fit in this coach. Unfortunately, the hotel did not have staff to help us load the coach so we (by we, I mean three unmarried young people including myself and the driver) to load the bags into the coach. After reaching the airport, we unloaded and found that there was no Air India staff to help us. The guards at the gates would not let us in since we did not have any ticketing information regarding our flight from Delhi. Finally, I went to the ticketing office and asked if seats had been reserved for us on IC 401. The gentlemen at the desk said that there were no reservations in any of our names and that we should speak to the duty manager. The passengers staying at the other hotel still had not arrived at this point.

We went to the duty manager who didn’t have any idea what we were talking about and asked us to go find out if there were any vacancies in other airlines since IC 401 was fully booked. The Chennai bound passengers were in the same boat. Finally some lady in-charge of reservations sent a message saying that she had blocked some seats on IC 401 and only then did a staff officer grudgingly process our boarding passes. By now it was already 6.30AM, and we had thirty minutes to clear security and get to the gate. As we were going through security, we finally saw the remaining passengers from the other hotel come in… they had been waiting outside trying to get in! It was sheer luck that we all managed to get back to Kolkata.

I have never experienced such apathetic and horrendous service by any airline. The lack of organization and random cancellation of flights aside, the unapologetic and downright rude behavior of the airline management staff was frustrating and simply unacceptable. As a regular Air India flier from the US to India over the last 6 years, I am insulted by the way you have treated us. No word of apology was ever given and every question was met with exasperation as if we were burdening the staff with unnecessary requests. It is a small wonder that Air India is doing such terrible business and losing customers to Jet Airways and Kingfisher.

I am flying back to the US on the 19th of December from CCU to DEL on AI 681 and DEL to JFK on AI 101, but I promise you that it will be that last time I fly Air India. Rest assured I will advise everyone I know, never to fly by an airline which regards its passengers as baggage instead of human beings. The way Air India treated those 51 people was testimony of Air India’s ineptitude, incompetence and total disregard for its passengers. I can offer no thanks, only insults and demand that you compensate these 51 passengers for the inhuman way you have treated them.

If you are an Air India employee and reading this letter please know that you are working for a company doomed to fail due to poor management, and I advise you to get out and get another job as quickly as you can.

A begrudging former customer,

Me
I am yet to hear back from Air India.
Next week, we continue with an exciting new installment of “This is The Dahli (Delhi) Part 2: The Wedding of The Kunj”
Till then, fare thee well.

Back and Mature... Probably Not

This blog died with my job. Now, with a new project in mind this blog returns to chronicle my endeavour to do something new. Starting with my recent trip to The Dahli (Delhi) and my friend Kunj's wedding... and all the shenanigans that ensued...

Stay tuned...

Growing Up...

Things that made me grow up...

1. "Haroun and the Sea of Stories" - Salman Rushdie

~ My old English teacher gave me this book for my 13th birthday and I've read it every year since then, each time finding something new to relate to, a joke I had missed, a subtle reference that was too clever previously... a story about family that I appreciated at the times I needed it most.  Above all, it put a smile on my face.

2. "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" - Robert M. Pirsig

~ Helped my get over my cynical days... a period where I thought the world owed me happiness, that I was entitled to it simply being alive.  Although this book has nothing to do with Zen and little to do with motorcycles for that matter, it is what got me interested in contemporary Japanese literature.

3. "The Romantics" - Pankaj Mishra

I hated his first book, "Butter Chicken in Ludhiana".  It was a wannabe Khushwant Singh and it failed miserably.  Then I met Pankaj Mishra.  He was roommates with my old literature teacher at JNU and I saw a lot of myself in his experiences.  So I gave his second novel a shot and I felt I shed a lifetime of naivete.  No one I have recommended the book to has ever loved it, perhaps you wont too, but to me it was a watershed moment.  My autographed copy of the book was stolen on a train in 2007... I haven't read it since then, but its lessons are etched in where they matter.

4. "The Catcher in the Rye" - J.D. Salinger

~ Perhaps the most famous coming of age story.  I never understood it the first time I read it in high school, perhaps in A form.  But now when I see it on my book shelf, much thumbed and dog eared, it reminds me of an old friend who is always there with a warm hug and sage advice... I don't need to read it again.  It taught me it's okay not to know what to do and to be scared.  That's more than I could ask for.

5. The Poems of Pablo Neruda

~ What can I say, the man understood love and socks.

6. "Nip the Buds, Shoot the Kids" - Oe Kenzaburo

~ Scared me.  Put my world in perspective.  Made me realize how often humanity is missing from humans, yet how quickly we learn to laugh and love again; and how much brighter little specks of happiness shine the darker the backdrop.  Oe wrote this at my age... how little I understand.  Can the fear of impending destruction be made poetic?  Can violence be poetic?  Sadat Hasan Manto did so with "Black Margins"... now Oe has done so with this.

7. "In My Life" - The Beatles

~ My favorite Beatles song that was the soundtrack of my life during the cold walks across the Thames from Bankside to LSE.

8. "Big Fish" - Dir. Tim Burton

~ When this movie came out Nikhat Kazmi wrote R.I.P Tim Burton in her review for the film.  I have never trusted reviews since then.  I watched this film on my own in an empty theater in Satyam in Delhi at 10 am during the middle of Jan tests at Stephens'.  The film made me appreciate stories and the joy of hearing and sharing stories.  It made me want to tell stories, to make people laugh at the oddities of life, to weave together the real with the fantastic, to pay attention to the details, to fill in the gaps with tall tales...

9. "Ikiru" - Dir. Akira Kurosawa
~ (trans. "To Live")  This lesser known movie by Kurosawa is perhaps one of his best, I mean apart from "Rashomon" of course, but "Rashomon" did not shake my understanding of life like "Ikiru" did.  I watched this movie when I was reading Leo Tolstoy's "The Death of Ivan Illych" for Professor Ceballes' Philosophy 115 class at Hamilton and I remember my paper on "Death" got an A+... it was all raw emotion evoked by "Ikiru".

(To be continued...)

From Batman to 100 Bullets

This blog has been on hiatus for a while, but I'm back... this time with comic books.

I've grown up with different kinds of comic books, from Archies to Tinkle, Doga, and Phantom. Below is my take on some of the best trade paperbacks and comic book series I have read in my short and torrid love affair with comic books. They are no necessarily in order of preference...

Alan Moore's "The Watchmen"
I think everyone is quite familiar with this series. In fact, with the movie craze on, if you're not, you soon will be... Needless to say one of the finest comic books written. It was the first comic to be called a "graphic novel" and the only comic book to win the Hugo Award for science-fiction. 'Nuff said.






Frank Miller's "Batman: Year One"; Ed Beaubarton's "The Man Who Laughs"; Jeph Loeb and Time Sale's "The Long Halloween", "Dark Victory"; Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee's "Hush"; Brian Azzarello's "The Joker"; Alan Moore's "The Killing Joke"; and Frank Miller's "The Return of the Dark Knight" in this particular order is the best set of Batman graphic novels in the market.

More to come...

Nuclear Woes!

Very few things get me more excited than some good Left bashing. Consider that coming from someone who has lived most of his life in a state controlled by commies for almost three decades! The 1-2-3 Agreement, Singur, Nandigram… there is no dearth to how hard the left tries to be disliked and their ambiguous protests labeled idiotic. What befuddles the mind is that even though the lower echelons of the party are populated by blithering morons, the Left in India (like in China) is headed by some of the intellectual stalwarts of the country. Rarely do we find men of such caliber as Yechury and Karat, yet, contrary to what the so called intellectual consensus of the country believes, they will oppose it. Surely they are not that smart…I perused the salient features of the 1-2-3 agreement, and I can not fathom why the Left is so determined to oppose it. What the f*ck do you mean Muslims are against the deal? Why? Mayawati, of course, has no answer for that...

From a purely entertainment (let’s face it, that’s what Indian politics is about) perspective, the drama could not play out any better than the Samajwadi Party getting entering the scene. Will the Left fold? Will Manmohan moon Yechury and Karat? I can’t wait!

aMAD Films Presents:

Amit and I made a sequence of short movies with a math theme for fun. Here's a first look. Enjoy. If you want to watch it in high quality, you need to go to the youtube site. You can do that by just clicking on the "youtube" sign on the video. In youtube you can choose the "view in high quality" option.

Smashing M&Ms


The Mathematical Father


Professor Gone Wild

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"

~ English conductor Sir Thomas Beecham commenting on a cello player's talent.

Although this is an arbitrary post to pick up after being AWOL for so long, but I really don't want to talk about life, universe, or anything else along those lines.

I have been listening to some western classical music since December last year. No apparent reason, just happened to stumble across it as I was aimlessly trying to find something interesting to distract me while waiting for a job... which, by the way, I still haven't found, so I would appreciate any help anyone could give me.

Anyway, on to the subject at hand. This is not meant to be pretentious. I am musically talentless, tone-deaf, if you will. Nor am I educated in the jargon. I don't claim to be a connoisseur, these are just some of the pieces I have truly enjoyed listening to, some over and over again in our media library selection... a top 10 pick. I have provided a few links to some of the pieces on youtube, but most are of poor quality not to mention in incomplete parts, but will give you a sense of the piece.

1. Sergei Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto#2, Op. 18
Compared to the chaps we are familiar with, Rachmaninoff is fairly contemporary (d. 1943). He wrote this piece recovering from severe depression and a particularly dirty break-up with his wife. Although not as famous as his Piano Concerto#3, this is a powerful piece and the first movement is absolutely spellbinding. A virtuoso himself he often played this as a part of his repertoire. There are lots of renditions... Arcadi Volodos, Sergei Vassiljevitsj, Evgeny Kissin, but my favorite has to be Alexis Weisenberg with the Berlin Philharmonic conducted by the late (Nazi!) Herbert von Karajan. The clip is a little messed up in the beginning but it's Karajan and Weisenberg.

2. Sergei Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto#3, Op. 30
His most famous composition, and reputedly extremely hard to play well. Although, I personally prefer #2, #3 requires more deftness and technical fingering, or so I am told by resident piano experts at Hamilton. I have only heard two renditions, but 69 year old Vladimir Horowitz playing under the baton of Zubin Mehta in 1978 was absolutely spectacular. Clip of the first part of the first movement.

3. Camille Saint-Saens' Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso, Op. 28
Although considered repetitive or even boring, along with Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto #1, Op. 35, this is my favorite piece for the violin. Again there are many renditions, Itzhak Perlman, Jascha Heifetz, etc. The one that really captured me was 14-year old Viviane Hagner performing with the Israeli and Berlin Philharmonic in Tel Aviv in 1990 under Zubin Mehta. There was something about that performance that was just right...see for yourself.

4. Pyotr Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto#1, Op. 35
When this composition premiered it was major failure and most violinists of the time refused to play it, but today it is concerned as one of the best pieces for the violin and virtuosos covet to play the solo. I have mixed feelings about this. At times, it is sublime, at times it sounds discordant and scratchy, more of an experiment with the instrument than the results of success. Nevertheless, 18 year Akiko Suwanai, prize winner at the Tchaikovsky Competition in Moscow has played a beautiful rendition. Jascha Heifetz's is the most famous, but I still prefer Suwanai. First part of the first movement.

5. Maurice Ravel's Miroirs 4: "Alborada del Gracioso"
French. In my opinion the pop star of the modern Romantic period. Ravel is the turn of the century ABBA. Upbeat, catchy, and you can tap your feet to it and you don't need to close your eyes to enjoy the music. I personally like the piano solo version, but the arrangement for the orchestra is quite good too but feels a little somber and not, well "happy enough". There's a strange piece with Bram van Sambeek doing a bassoon solo! As for versions, there's Richter (a bit too fast, I felt), Karstein Djupdal (the other version our library had) is quite good. I'm sure there are some better ones out there, let me know if you find a good piece. It's a horrible version but the best I could find on youtube.

6. W. A. Mozart's "Requiem" K626
Foggy, gloomy, surreal. Mozart's famous unfinished work. Although there is debate on how much of it was actually written by the maestro himself, it is still a hauntingly beautiful piece. The violins and the chorals... it's pretty scary. Haven't found a favorite version yet. First part of 6.

7. Camille Saint-Saens' "Danse Macabre"
Another hauntingly surreal piece. I first heard an excerpt of this as the opening theme to the British drama "Jonathan Creek" starring Alan Davies. For this composition too there are arrangements for violin and piano, but I like the orchestral version the most. There is something about the thundering sound of violin crescendos and timpani. Complete clip, good quality, Philadelphia Philharmonic.

8. Igor Stravinsky's "Petrushka" (ballet)
I wasn't sure if I wanted to add this, so I am playing it right now and I think I should add it. Petrushka is a ballet, and although it has it's moments of genius, if simply heard, rather than seen, it can feel a bit, well, "rough". Russian to the core, it's very hard with heavy, banging fortissimos. The piano arrangement that he later did for Russian pianist Rubenstein is actually quite good. I'm trying to see if I can get hold of a video, I've asked the library to order a copy, let's see. Youtube has a very dirty copy if you're interested. Piano rendition of "Russian Dance" from the first act.

9. Pyotr Tchaikovsky's "Festival Overture: The Year 1812", op. 49
To quote Calvin, "The fire cannons in a crowded theater... and then they say classical music is boring!" No seriously, this is as Russian as it gets, war drums, cannon fire... gotta love that. Quite different from the Violin Concerto I listed above, but equally good. And if you're Russian, patriotic to beat. If you're French, well that just sucks now doesn't it? Versions, hmm... well we have the Moscow Philharmonic and the Berlin Philharmonic versions conducted by Ozawa. Both are good, but use synthesized sounds. I want a taste of the real thing!

10. Johannes Brahms' Symphony#1, Op. 68
I was torn between Handel's "Messiah" and this but I think the fact that Brahms took almost 20 years to write the damn thing, gives him a little more weight. We'll cover Handel next time around. The opening is powerful. It isn't overtly long like Mahler and Beethoven (Brahms was supposed to carry on Big B's legacy...) for that matter and he manages to keep it tight. He put the 20 years to good use. Right till the finale there is a sense of tension. However, even a novice like myself can hear the similarities between this piece and a mix of Big B's 5th, 7th, and 9th symphonies. No favorite version yet. I don't know how good the clip is, I haven't heard it... it's the first decent on I found on youtube.

Well that covers that for now, next time, let's see, Beethoven, Liszt and his unplayable "Transcendental Etudes", Strauss, Debussy, Haydn, Mahler, Mendelssohn, Bruckner and whatever I find interesting in the interim. Maybe Paganini. I'm sure many of you have recommendations, so fire away...

"My Name is Harry Meadows, But You Can Call Me Death"

So I am doing a little news segment on Asian Affairs for our weekly Asian Cultural Society meeting. Of course, there was no way I am going to use the common current affairs material, because, like Canada, who cares. So I dug around trying to find some interesting stories from the past, present, and the foreseeable future of Asia, and I found the following stories on the BBC website of QI (Quite Interesting).

The first story is about Cats in Boxes, continuing my cat theme from previous posts:

Between 1959 and 1961, a British/WHO project accidentally killed lots of cats when treating malaria with DDT in the Sarawak area of Borneo. The DDT also killed cockroaches, which were eaten by cats, which also died and the area became thus infested with rats. Now Sarawak is quite a dense forest region and fighting rats the conventional way was problematic, so the British/WHO team decided to parachute in cats in boxes into the region to fight off the infestation. The boxes had little springs attached to them which would open the box when it hit the ground. Forget about whether it worked or not, the whole concept boggles the mind!

Second story, Adding 2 Feet to the Everest:

Radhanath Sikdar a Bengali mathematician, was the first to measure the peak as 29,000ft, but because he thought people would think he just rounded up to 29,000 feet, he "added" 2 feet to make it 29,002 feet to make it seem legitimate. This was the accepted height of Everest up until 1955, when it became 29,028ft. Incidentaly, Mt. Everest is named after George Everest, the Surveyor General of India at the time, and he pronounced his name as "EVE-rest".

On a side note, apparently the most dangerous sport in the world, purely in number of related accidents and deaths, is kite-flying! Apparently the "manja" string causes many people to lose fingers, and in a few cases, arems and heads! Falling kites have also known to fall in front of motorists causing road accidents and such...

I have a few more, but if any of you have heard anything interesting of late, let me know...

Buy My Umbrella...

How do I sell something that I do not own? You pay me the money, I buy the umbrella, and I give it to you. Simple, right? That's how all brokers work. However, what happens if the person sells an umbrella that does not exist, and the buyer again sells it to someone else who sells it someone else and so on. All the while, no one has actually seen the umbrella since it doesn't really exist, just the promise of it. Now consider everyone who has bought the umbrella had to borrow money to make the purchase and the last buyer borrowed money from the first seller. Who loses?

Exceprt: Ramblings in Econometrics; Maity, Abhishek, Pengu, New York, 2007.

Bradfinger's Shadow

I tried but I could not think of a more banal title.

This is a story, not just any story, but a story. Captain Homomorphism is there. So is Redfield, Sloth, and The Cow. Mass produced Schrodinger's Cats play special weapons. We're not entirely sure what they do, but it's pretty bad. Tamim is the retarded son of a retired triad kingpin. he has a feline fetish. The Bald Pragyan is his brother. He is bald. He wants to kill Tamim so he can take over the Triad Empire. His weapons of choice are exploding kittens. Coupled with a Schrodinger's Cat, the kittens explode, but miraculously survive to be reused. It is still in the testing phase but the manufacturer Clicheco claims it can be used nine times before it needs to be returned to the animal shelter. There is no intrigue so stupid people can read it. There are a few women with nice puns. It is a story told within a story to understand a story that is essential to the the story - take that Faulkner. There isn't a laugh track so you probably will not laugh as the jokes are too sophisticated. They may seem poor and corny - so stupid people can read it - but underneath that what is hidden lies a deeper, funnier, Woodehousian humor, several from the mouth of a nonchalant cigarette.

This is esstentially what I have at the moment. I was bored in Econometrics and didn't want to "write some emails"...

Experiment #1

Does it seem like self-help websites are getting more and more popular? It may just be me, but during my recent brain-dives into the Internets, I’ve noticed growing number of self-help websites and links to self-help articles. These articles try to inspire readers to "boost productivity” and they provide tips for “living a healthier life,” or “being more successful at _____ (fill in the blank),” etc. My question is does this stuff really work? A lot of people must think so, considering that the self-improvement market is expected to grow to $11 billion by 2008¹.

Like many other things, individual mileage² likely varies. In my case, I know that texts and speeches induce only ephemeral motivation at best. Still, I found some articles that look interesting enough, so I've volunteered myself to be the guinea-pig. I will follow the prescriptions of a few articles one at a time for at least 30 days each.

This first article is supposed help me break my habit of staying up for half of the night and sleeping in for half of the day³. I will report back within 30 days…



1. See Wikipedia link in the first sentence. It should also be noted that the revenue generated by self-help websites would only constitute a fraction of the $11 billion.
2. Yes mileage - it's slang. You can try kilometerage, but it just doesn't sound right.
3. Isn't it strange that we "stay up" at night and "sleep in" during the day. What are we staying up above or sleeping in? The blankets?

My mind says no but my body says yes

SNL has been crap for awhile now and the only saving graces are the SNL digital shorts. This is the most recent one, in response to the Iranian president's speech/comments at Columbia University. I wonder what Mahmoud would say...