Just So Stories [1]

Last week, James Head and I entered into a little duologue similar to our duel of bad poetry in October 2005. This time each of us had 12 hours to respond. Here are the results so far. It's still going on and I'll put up the new ones if we come up with anything good.

James:

"So, what about that big, glowing, floating hat behind you?"

"Are you retarded?"

"Yes."

Maity:

So a baby walks into a topless bar, and is really confused. Then he puts his hat down and gets a drink. All the girls try to hook up with him. They coo, whine and serenade him with intelligent conversation. He puts down his scotch and says, "Sorry ladies, I don't speak retard", and walks away without his milk.

James:

So the milkman is going on his early morning route when he comes across Mrs. Macabee - who is in her front yard, in her nightgown, watering the petunias. The milkman is a little puzzled by this, since it's 4:30 in the morning and it's still dark out. He approaches Mrs. Macabee and says, "Exuse me. Mrs. Macabee? Your petunias are on fire." And she says,"Well that's why I'm watering them, asshole!"

Maity:

So Mr. Petunia hated his name. All his life he had been teased about flowers. "Wimp in the Wind" they sang for him. He traveled far and wide and sought a wise man to weed his thoughts.

"Why must I live with such a name?" he asked the wise man.

"Because you are a flower, my son."

The next day, Mr. Petunia shot himself.

James:

So they're shooting a scene for this movie at a local diner. It is supposed to be a fight scene between two men, but the second man is nowhere to be found. For three hours they wait, meanwhile they are constantly trying to reach him by phone but to no avail. Just when they are about to give up and leave, the makeup artist volunteers to play his part.

"I'll do it," she says "I know his entire part."

The director says, "But you're a woman. The part calls for a man. You don't even resemble him slightly!"

And she says, "Well you don't even resemble Danny Devito's dick!"

Maity:

So Danny DeVito is playing chess with the leader of his local motorbike gang - The Unsteady Serpents when his phone rings.

"That's my missus", he says, "she has a special vibrator."

"Aww phooey, you're just saying that", the leader replied.

"No, no, really, you do."

And they made love on the giant chessboard.

James:

So Gary Kasparov is playing Deep Blue when Deep Blue takes one of his pawns en passant. Being Russian, Kasparov tries to accuse Deep Blue of cheating.

"Confounded machine!" he cries "Somehow the Americans fixed it to cheat against me!"

Deep Blue says, "En passant - it's French, bitch, you wouldn't understand."

Kasparov drinks himself into a stupor and goes on a rampage, destroying six chessboards and a child's bicycle.

Maity:

So Tweedledee and Tweedledum were riding their tricycles down Le Rouge de Spassky when they smell Chinese food in the crisp night air of Champagne. Tn'T park their ride on the curb and walk into an old drinking house made entirely of used Dell computers. They had heard rumors that the maitre'd there spoke a Spanish that reeked with an odd New Zealand accent. Tn'T didn't really care though, tonight was not a night to give in to their explosive nature.

As they enter, the maitre'd walks over to them and asks "qué la voluntad usted tiene?"

Tweedledum just shakes his head.

Tweedledee glances up from the menu and says "I'll have the sex on toast, please. [2]"

James:

So a clown heard about this great dish called sex on toast from his colleagues Messrs. Dee and Dum, and is riding his bicycle to the diner where it is served. While rounding a corner his front tyre sinks into a huge pothole and the wheel shoots off, hitting a small child and killing him instantly. The clown is ejected head first over the handle bars and into an open manhole cover, but instead of making a clean entrance he hits every possible rung of the ladder going down, breaking all the bones in his body above the waist. He is rushed to the hospital but is pronounced dead shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, the mother of the dead child decides she cannot go on living and throws herself into oncoming traffic and dies.

Maity:

So in a hospital just outside Panhole City, a large man, clad in Samurai battle armour and a doctor's apron, walked into the waiting room carrying a large katana and a grave expression. The sword was soaked in blood and left a crimson trail as he walked through the room to a very worried looking couple at the far end. The couple looked at him questioningly and the samurai said, "I'm sorry ma'am but your clown died in surgery."

(To be continued... maybe)

[1] Nothing to do with Mr. Kipling at all.

[2] Consider it as a homage to Murmurlark.